If you are single and actively looking to find that special someone, you may well have come across the Number 1 New York Times Bestseller: ‘The Rules’ by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. It consists of a list of rules for women who are dating.
I have to say that while I think there are some helpful hints and useful suggestions in it, such as not having sex until you have got to know him well, not giving your home address to a man you met on line and never dating a married man (sorry guys if this all sounds one-sided but The Rules are written for women), on the whole I find it all deeply concerning.
The main premise of The Rules is that men like to do the chasing and the aim of most women is to catch a man who will stick around long enough to commit and marry her, therefore she should be somewhat aloof and play hard to get. She is told to withhold information, only answer one in four of his e-mails, and never be available for a last minute date.
I accept that maybe some men do like to do the chasing. My main concern however is, what will happen when the chase is over? In other words, if it is all about getting a man to commit, once he has, will he - or she come to that - lose interest when the ring is on her finger?
I am not saying there is nothing good in the Rules but I am concerned that if you are using that as your Guidebook, you may not end up with the deep and lasting match you are looking for.
I believe that women want more than a man to say ‘I Do’, and that men are not just searching for a woman who seems unattainable. The Rules may help women get dates for a Saturday night, but it is not a recipe for a mutually fulfilling and long-lasting partnership.
In fact I would say that dating is not actually the problem; it is finding your perfect match - someone with whom you are compatible and can build a long and deeply fulfilling relationship.
That is why I have written my Soulmate Discovery Programme. The SDP is not a quick fix to getting a date, it is a carefully structured process which begins with finding out who you are, what relationship patterns you have been repeating, what drives and excites you, what are your values, interests and life vision. That is an important piece of work, which The Rules takes no account of at all.
The 2nd part of my programme is about identifying the kind of person who you want to attract into your life. This is so much more than meeting someone with a nice smile or great personality. It is recognising the qualities, and values that would make for a good match for you. The Rules, on the other hand, puts the burden of responsibility on the guy to pursue his woman, based on as little as she can get away with giving him!
The 3rd part of my Soulmate Discovery Programme is about developing social, dating and relationship skills which will help to increase your chances of finding a keeping a really good guy. Here we might spend time working at how to become a really good listener, developing good communication skills or how to start a conversation with someone you’ve never met before. Again, the Rules does not touch on this.
The 4th part of my programme is concerned with deepening connection once you have met someone who is right for you. We cover managing conflict, developing intimacy and building and maintaining a deep and lasting relationship. The Rules has nothing to say on that either.
You’ve probably had relationships before, but for whatever reason, you are single now. So maybe now is the time to do things differently this time around, and give yourself the very best chance to finding and deeply connecting with the love of your life.
I recognise that when it comes to your life and your relationships, it’s difficult to know who you can confide in and whether they will understand your circumstances and situation.
That’s why I offer you a completely free, no obligation 20 minute consultation. We can both get to know each other a little bit, see if we are a good fit and establish whether I can help you.
Best of all, it doesn’t matter where in the world you are - we can talk for free on Skype or, if you prefer, you can phone me.
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